Sakhile Ncalane - Open Letter To My 15 Year Old Self
"I need you to know that toxic masculinity and patriarchy are unacceptable and will limit you capacity to be human, understand others and empathize with them… "
I now understand your nature. There is value in who you are, don’t lose your strong sense of justice and vehement disdain for discrimination and oppressive attitudes and behaviors for which you get into verbal arguments and physical fights at times; at school for standing up for the rights of others during break or after school. You may have been conflicted at times because of your faith, but I wish to let you know that you did the right thing and were being an ‘active bystander’. What you could have done better though was report the matter to school administrators who should have assisted in combatting and confronting the toxic masculine character traits and behaviors that drove the verbal abuse, discrimination and inequality that had been adopted by children and your peers that was so prevalent in your high school. Also I need to inform as well, you were also guilty of exhibiting those same toxic masculine character traits in your response to the abuse by choosing to fight. To promote sustainable change, systems for sustainable outcomes need to be established in the schooling system that are peace centric conflict reconciliatory resolution mechanisms. To expect different results you must do things differently. High School and boarding school is rough! Patriarchy rears its ugly destructive head. Remember that girl in the same grade as you, that you liked so much that you considered taking your monthly allowance and sharing some of it with her so she could give you a chance and date you. That would have been a transactional relationship which leads to many of the problems we witness today in relationships and expectations emanating from those relationships. Well, I am thankful you had a sound mind, faith and the conviction of your Christian values and principles to not enter into such a relationship. You took responsibility to not be in a relationship founded on principles of exchange and saved yourself and her from expectations, behaviors and conduct that may have changed you both for the worst. Your faith was a sanctuary and compass to the decisions and consequences before you at that time, we therefore say, to God be the praise and glory! I recall you had to contend with toxic masculine expectations and patriarchy from our mother as well. This one is somewhat more complicated with multiple intersecting factors impacting the quality of relationship with our mother. Amongst these factors contributing to the strained relationship with our mother, I note she is raising and an adolescent black South African child in a society in transition from apartheid towards a democratic dispensation in Soweto amidst violence, upheaval, marches and teargas. As a reflection, she may have thought I can’t have a boy who cries, sheds tears in public and displays his emotions; this world is too rough and such ‘weaknesses’ in character will be taken advantage of. How can he survive in such an environment, this is unacceptable… and boy did we know it! This is an example of Patriarchy placing an unwarranted burden on us compromising the health, wellness and quality of relationships between child and parent.In closing I need you to know that toxic masculinity and patriarchy are unacceptable and will limit you capacity to be human, understand others and empathize with them… come to think of it you will cease to be yourself and who you are. Like I said, there is value in who you are, therefore continue to be who you are, the world ahead this side in the present appreciates it. Start where you are, with what you have, , in the ways that you can and you are in control of. You have an improved relationship with our mother, we are working on washing the dishes and she is working on letting us cook and enjoying our meals. For you as a guide and anchor I share with you this living word from scripture, Matthew 7 v 12
